Tuesday, 22 August 2017

Accused: not real enough

I am currently caught up in a frenzy of legal jargons like prosecution, defence, deposition, subpoenas, sentence, out of court settlements, guilty or not guilty. All these owing to back to back episodes of 6 seasons of 'Suits' and John Grisham's 'The Rainmaker'.

Started to wonder how many times we get accused in life by friends, best friends,  lover, family, colleagues, acquaintances and strangers of things that we do, we don't and what they think we are. We are often handed out a sentence without the opportunity to build our case and fight it. Getting cold shouldered is an example of this. Judged by people and tried and punished, sometimes all happens so fast and we get served, out of nowhere.

Got served recently by someone extremely close. Accused of being not real enough. It is not the same as being 'unreal' which would mean unbelievable or out of the world! Not real enough would probably mean not genuine enough or not worth anything to be done for you. You are real but sorry not real enough in my life. It is all the same like being accused of a crime, going through a trial unaware and then jolted back to reality when the verdict is out for you. And it is final. Accused of being not real enough. I can't fight my case, and I can't plead not guilty as it is not going to affect the judgement.

So I am going back to the pages of Rainmaker because it is more fair than life. The accused gets time to build a case and  prepare. Plead not guilty. The accused there gets a fair trial.

Sunday, 6 August 2017

Sounds of the night.

The night itself is quiet, reserved and eerie.

But the sounds that accompany it are not.

Two kinds.

Dogs barking, the siren of the ambulance, the noise of a car reversing, ticking of the clock, furniture being pushed, rare sounds of a cricket, a train whistling, an owl screeching, wind hitting the windows, a child crying.. The sounds gets magnified in the dark and in the quiet of the night. They come much closer to you as the distance between the sound and you gets lost in the night. But they are tangible in the sense you can unfeel them. They are external noise and can be Ignored or blocked by covering your ears and putting on some music. Or by moving to a high rise apartment. Or by sound sleep.

That was the first kind.

Second kind is internal to you. But these sounds makes the night air heavy. Ecstasy of achieving a long awaited dream, nervousness for a big interview the next morning, disbelief that you have won what you have, travelling excitement, prospects of a new beginning, gratefulness for a second chance, prayers of relief that the battle is over, happiness of having your love by your side.

Wails of the heart for a love that will never be yours to hold, accepting the failure, prayers for the sun not to rise tomorrow, dismay for a lost opportunity, cowardly decision’s voices, dread for the next day at work, cry for that lost friend, sobbing into the pillow to drown that sound, pain that is beyond physical, loss of appetite for life.

The night air is heavy with these sounds when you step out from your room. It seems so quiet and peaceful but it is noisier than the most crowded place you have ever been. The night cannot sleep because of this.

The night is never at peace.