Being alone and being lonely

Do you not mind going to the movies alone? Do you not mind mall hopping alone? Do you not mind having a coffee and reading a book at a cafe alone? Do you not mind travelling alone? Do you not mind going to the beach and sit alone? Do you not mind sitting and eating alone?

If your answer to all or any of these is no, then I belong to your club. Our species might be rare but definitely not absent. Us doing these does not mean that we are dejected by friends, family or lovers or we are freaks. My colleagues calls me a 'weirdo' because I sometimes go to movies alone or go for shopping alone. I don't mind being called that because I know I am just as normal as them.

Probably we are very comfortable in our own company, listening to the thoughts that crawls through our minds. Or we just want to go out and we do, as simple as that!

I have my breakfast alone at office and I like it. Not a morning person and can't handle gossip at 8 o'clock. But I do have coffee and lunch with my friends at office.

I have been staying alone for the past 5 years. And the questions comes from every possible direction that what the hell I do alone? What do I eat? With whom do I talk to? What do I do at weekends? Don't I get bored? Do I have friends at all? The curiosity of humans at other people's  expense is incredible!

Yes, I stay alone. I have hobbies and interests. I cook my food and eat. I watch romcom and love it. I listen to music and probably sway to some favorite numbers. I have my folks back home and I have people in my life who loves me enough to let me have my space. They don't suffocate me with probing questions and they don't investigate my case. They care enough to just let me be. I have few but special friends. We may not share a minute to minute report but we do share our happiness and troubles. My life is good.

I might look alone but definitely am not lonely. There is a huge difference, my friend.

Immeasurable love

We all love and we are all loved. It is a basic emotion and is the most sought after. It is an extremely fulfilling feeling and is the root of many heart wrenching stories. People rise in love and achieve greatness in life. People lose in love and succumb to many levels of deaths in one lifetime. So love is all there is and they say "love is not for the faint hearted".

But can we measure love..if yes, what are the dimensions to measure it in? What is just the right amount of love for it to be sustainable? What duration must love live to prove its genuinity? Can't we love deeply but briefly, passionately but selfishly? All the terms, conditions and boundaries that makes us self-appointed judges of love distracts us from the truth that love is boundless, timeless and has a mind of its own. It is not a slave to our philosophies and man-developed theories. Love has wings and it flies. It is pure and heart-driven, innocent and tumultuous.

A mother's love is the purest of all and there is certainly no doubt about it. A mother can love all her children equally and infinitely. But is romantic love divisible i.e can you love more than two people at the same time? If you do, does it mean that you really love neither of them or you love both of them? Is this possible and does this kind of love exists?

Long gone are the days when people had to wait for months to get a reply to their love letters. Probably it will be carried by a bird or a man by foot across great distances. What remarkable patience they might have had! Now we are into instant messaging and instant calls.

"The double ticks has become blue, why has not she replied yet?She probably does not care for me."

"I called him like 2 times, why has not he called back yet? He probably does not think of me at all."

"He did not plan to come and meet me, he wanted to stay in. Why? he does not have any interest in me anymore."

How do you know and how do you measure the love? The time it took for her to reply after reading your messages or the number of times he sent her flowers. If a person has loved before, does this fact make him/her less capable of loving again?How much time gap is appropriate? Simple yet quite complicated.

How can we measure something which is itself not measurable, it has no units. Maybe love is vast like the universe and deep like the sea, not limited by days, months or years. In this mundane world, are not we lucky to still find love no matter how brief or deep, how shallow or selfish, how pure or exclusive.  Can we just hold on to it and not spend our limited and precious time in defining and measuring it?

Dear heart

Dear Heart.

It's you and me.
Against this world.

Stay close.

Don't wake me up.

Don't wake me up
I already am in my senses
Even though it might seem
This is not real
This will not last.

Don't wake me up
I have not felt this awake
Since a long time.

Don't wake me up
I want to sleep and live this dream
Just a little while longer.

The art of letting it go.

You know you want it. You know you can’t have it. And this makes you want it more.

The heart is always the culprit in this kind of mess. The mind already knows that it does not belong to you and so there is no logic yearning for it. But does your heart listen?

Not everything in the world is for you to win and make it yours. Love. career, money, happiness, peace, comfort, luxury-there is no end to what this mortal’s heart wants. Often it happens, in this crazy stubborn want for “something” makes us lose what we already have and what is already ours. Want makes us blind and oblivious to the concept of “content”.

Our share in everything in this world is already measured and kept aside and will never change, no matter how much we fight and sulk. Wanting “it” which is not ours always leads to misery and ends in pain causing hurt and dismay. There are innumerable instances where ordinary men has turned into poets writing about their yearning and unfulfilled dreams. Pain has a strange beauty and emptiness has great inspiration.

Buddha has taught the Four Noble Truths: Life is suffering. All suffering is caused by some “want”. Suffering can be overcome and happiness can be attained. And there is a path to overcome suffering.

“Most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities.”~Dalai Lama

We all want to be happy yet we do things to ourselves that cause us pain. Man is a set of contradictions and never ceases to surprise ourselves of what we are capable of. The heart wants what it wants and it often refuses to give an explanation. There is no cure and there is no redemption.

Zen philosophy says that when you stop trying to grasp, own, and control the world around you, you give it the freedom to fulfill you without the power to destroy you. That’s why letting go is so important: letting go is letting happiness in.

Everything is an illusion. To be truly happy, you have to learn the art of letting it go.

Faith restored

It happened yesterday.

I was travelling back from an official trip, exhausted. The day started at 7:30 am and I took the cab from airport at 9 pm. On the way somehow I kept thinking how the human kind is selfish and becoming demonic in nature with each passing day. Neared my home around 10:30 pm and after getting in I realized I left my mobile in the cab. I rushed downstairs but obviously the cab had left. I panicked and without a mobile I felt helpless. Luckily my house owners were awake and I asked for their help. Called at my number around 15 -20 times but the cab driver did not answer. Then we called the customer care of the cab service twice and finally got the cab driver details.

He said that he has the phone with him but he is already on the highway so it is not possible for him to come back then. I offered to pay the fare and he said he will come back early morning. I hardly slept and woke up in the wee hours of the morning and waited for him to come. He came.

He came and gave me back my mobile phone. I said sorry that I bothered him. He said he is sorry that he did not check the cab after dropping me. I was grateful and relief spread over me.

There are still a few souls among us who are kind and honest. I have pushed my doubts some miles away for now. A simple act has restored my faith in our kind. 

Drenched!

I guess it was meant to be.

After almost 2 months of house searching from Delhi in Bangalore, I had almost decided to take a PG and then think on the future course of action. Especially when an almost final deal failed at the last moment. A dear friend had advised to search groups in Facebook where good deals are found without the interference of brokers. And then I found it.

A college senior-colleague-brother-friend checked it out, sent me photographs of the place, building, area, route till main road. And I told myself, “let’s take it and see what happens. At least I will have a roof over my head”. Moreover, they had 2 dogs, it cannot be so bad.

And I arrived in Bangalore. Stayed a week in a company provided hotel accommodation and one fine Saturday morning, I reached my new place. And I fell in love.

I have my small, cute 1BHK in the second floor in the terrace. The area is still getting populated & luckily, my building is empty on three sides. Green, peaceful and cosy, all wrapped into one. What more I can wish for?

My favourite time of the day is when after dinner, I sit in my balcony, feet up in the railing in style, some soulful music through headphones and I let myself relax. The wind is usually perfect, blowing my hair and I feel drenched in its touch. Just a perfect ending to somewhat imperfect days.

I am also given access to one more terrace above mine through an iron ladder. It is more beautiful out there. I can see the Nice Road (highway route to Mysore) and the headlights of the cars streaming by and even the buildings beyond it. Sometime, I should try to locate the Bannerghatta National park also, which is not very far away. From no-sky view (Delhi DDA flat) to whole-sky view is a tremendous upgradation for me. I can see the whole uninterrupted arc from the coconut lined horizon on my right to the coconut (& a few buildings) lined horizon to my left. And the moon is always right there above me, and even a floor closer. I can get drenched in moonlight and star light every night. The view of “Great Bear Constellation” is a daily trip to childhood.

The best is of course, when it rains. The proud wind bringing in the pitter-patter rain drives Amu & Chinnu (my two constant companions) to the shade. Then it pours and I am driven to the shade too! But it feels beautiful while my soul gets drenched in the rain.

My home keeps me happy. The separation from the mad crowd is just enough to keep me sane. I am grateful and waiting for the time when I bring my family to share this with me. It will be sure a great experience for them too. Deta (my father) never liked it in Delhi. I hope I can compensate his bad experience there with my “drenched” place here.